I never thought my life would be like this.
I always wanted children. A husband. A big house (not too big as I hate housework). A dog or two. Nothing too Stepford mind, just a fairy tale of dreams.
I wanted to be the traditional stay at home mum who cooks healthy, nutritional meals, has not one speck of dust or dirt on any surface, wears pretty, feminine clothes, has glossy shiny hair and eyes that sparkle with pride at the array of drawings adorning my fridge and kitchen walls.
Out of that dream I have managed to achieve one of them. The rest have fallen by the wayside, along with my beauty sleep, my patience, my svelte size 10 frame, and my dreams of having my child grow up to become independent and creating his own family.
What do I see when I look in the mirror? Well as I only look fleetingly as I cannot stand what looks back at me, I assess I am washed out, tired, stressed, lined, and in need of a few more months (make that years) of salad.
Can I blame my situation though? Is it too easy for me to shrug and say it is because of my child's special needs that I am like this?
Yes it is.
I used to be vibrant and exciting. I tend to get excited nowadays when I see a double bill of Gavin and Stacey is on G.O.L.D.
However, whatever I feel like or look like, I always know that my children love me just the way I am. They don't judge or tell me to be a better mum. They love me and my big cuddles, silly voices, and never ending support and encouragement.
J never judges. Unlike 'normal' children he will not grow up and become cynical of the world, or develop hatred and dislike of those different to him.
He will always live in his bubble. His bubble is a safe world to him.
He will have innocence and pure honesty, and his desires will be simple.
I just have to hope I can still be the forthright mum he needs me to be in years to come. I think I can pretty much guarantee my middle son O will step into my shoes if needs be, if his noisy, shouty, go get em attitude at the age of 4 years is anything to go by!
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Just something I came up with just now, probably rubbish, but hey ho!
Is this it?
Is this my life?
Day in day out,
Yet more strife.
Just another mum,
Another room to clean,
Being the biggest presence in the house,
But never being seen
How far have I come
In living the dream
The childhood fantasy
That ran out of steam
If I sit here wishing
For days gone by
Will I miss the ones coming
Because I didn’t try
To see what is here
Is more than some get
That my life is not stone
It is not set
Time may slip by
In whispers of sand
But this is my life
That I hold in my hand
To cherish that bond
The one between child
The one that a mother
Can never hide
Be still my thoughts
Of a life that is not this
Because all that I have
I really would miss
