How much does J know about life, the world, or even me?
Well lets start with life. He knows when it is dark we wear pajamas and supposedly go to bed and to sleep (I say supposedly as J finds it very hard to sleep and the landing is his bed still).
Does he know about God? No. He may repeat the word God, but he has no idea about the reality of Heaven, spirits, being born, dying etcetera. The concept of life and therefore the meaning of life is one that eludes him and plays no part of his being.
Moving onto the world. J does not understand about countries and religion, accents and languages, cultures and lifestyles. His world is the only world. It may seem small to us but inside his head his world is safe, secure and reliable. There is no war, no hate, no fighting and no inequality.
The only trouble with his world is that no one can access it. No one can climb inside and have a look around. We will never ever know what he experiences inside his head. I can sometimes see his thoughts by his body language or facial expression but I have to guess as he will never be able to convey to me whether he is sad or happy. He cannot say to me " mummy I am so happy because....", it is up to me to look at him and see the smile on his face or listen to his happy noises.
I used to think he was locked in his head. He is to some extent (locked in his head) by the barrier of communication but as he can dance a jig, sing a song (albeit not anywhere near word perfect but with the gist of it) or smile with pleasure, we can always see his mood and help accordingly.
Onto me.
J has no awareness of his creation. Unlike his brother O who loves to hear me tell stories of his time inside my tummy and what he did, and the first time I saw him when he was born and how much I loved him, J does'nt care how he was as a baby. I am sure he gets that babies are soon to be born when a woman has a large tummy, as he became baby obsessed from around the seventh month mark of my fourth pregnancy and I am sure he remembered my being pregnant with O and put two and two together.
It was again the barrier of communication and understanding that made it impossible for him to know when the baby was making his appearance. He just knew a baby would be home one day soon.
J has never told me he loves me. Sure, he can echolalic it back to me if I prompt him, but it is said with no feeling, no emotion and could just aswell be " I love you gummy" for all the meaning it has to him.
I know he depends on me. He relies on me to feed him, find his lost toys, fix his DVD player, run his bath or make his meals.
It is a very one sided relationship. One I have said before that if it were a marriage we were talking about and not a mother son relationship, a divorce would be inevitable. No one would put up with a one sided relationship. But it being a parent relationship makes it an unspoken agreement.
I chose to have a child. I created him (with a little help!) and I carried him. A contract was formed and even though there was some small print that was not shown to me at that time, I still have agreed to stick to it and abide by it.
J learns by repetition and routine and his knowledge is learned through memory. He can learn to piece a puzzle very quickly and will remember it forever more. He can write any letter I call out to him, but it is not a recognised letter, it is a command that he has learned by rote.
But from four years ago when I never thought he would be able to write or recognise his own name, he has surpassed that and continues to amaze me with his skills.
