J is in the full throes of puberty now. He'll be thirteen in four months time. He is 5ft 9in tall and his feet are an adult size UK 11 (US 12).
We have had the body odour underarms for several years, and the occasional spot on his face, but the last few months has seen his body hair grow and thicken rapidly, things growing and having a mind of their own, and his face become very spotty with clogged pores.
As he does not wash or bathe himself without help, although he loves to wallow in a bath when he gets the chance, I am still his carer in ensuring he is clean and tidy.
This may be a sensitive subject for many, but it is an issue that I am sure I am not alone in. The issue being his maturing body, but with the childlike brain and behaviours.
Washing my young adult son's body and private area, I admit I have found difficult to deal with.
Difficult in respect of having to still care for him in this area and accepting that he will always need to have this assistance.
I am fully accepting of his disabilities. I crossed the bridge from denial and sadness, to acceptance a while ago. It is just seeing my maturing son still requiring my complete help in washing him.
There is a tinge of sadness at this, and that he has no desire to groom himself or request a trendy hair style.
But as I said, it is a minor blip. I am dealing with my emotion. I will get past it. I know I am not alone. It is something that is rarely talked about as it is deemed too personal or even taboo.
When we become mothers, we automatically take on the role of carer for our baby/ies. It is a natural instinct to clean and bathe them as they are, of course, not able to do so themselves. Even as growing children we still oversee their cleanliness. But when they are on the cusp of teenhood, even well before for a lot of children who do not have a learning difficulty, children develop modesty, and want to take control of their clean routines. We as parents let them do this, as it's part of growing up.
So, having a young adult, who has matured in their private area, and who has zero modesty, who has been known to strip bare naked at the front door when returning from school (as he likes to change out of his school clothes) and show the neighbours and bus escort his all, (in literally seconds he can do it) it adds more pain to having to deal with him growing up.
I spoke to someone in the care profession a few weeks ago, and mentioned my struggle. I said it must be similar to someone suddenly having to care for their elderly parent, and seeing them become dependant on their child to do the most basic, but most intimate of care - washing them. I said I know people get over their feelings of sorrow or being uncomfortable, and it becomes second nature, so I expect I too will do the same, and my worries will become a distant memory, but what this woman shared with me was so honest.
She told me that her own mother had become reliant on this type of help, and it had been left to her, the only child, to do this for her. But, she couldn't overcome her upset and struggled with the huge emotional aspect of becoming her mother's carer. She was fortunate enough to have another professional carer come into the home and perform the personal care of her mother, whilst she herself managed everything else.
Being able to talk to someone else, and to have them share with me their own struggle and dilemma helped me enormously. She told me I could enquire about getting some care to come in to the house and wash him, but it was at that moment I knew I would be able to deal with my own feelings, and that I would overcome it, and I wouldn't need outside help coming in.
I am incredibly concious of the severe financial difficulties imposed on the care system in this country, and that the Government have cut and cut again the money given to these vital and much needed services.
I never like to take something that I am not 100% certain I need or want, and the rigmarole of even trying to get access into this care service would probably put me off in the first instance, but to then be offered help that I know would benefit someone else in a worse situation than myself, well it's not me. I am not like that.
I want that help to be given to someone desperate for it, or who cannot cope. I am not that person. It would be unfair of me to contemplate it.
Plus, I know I am just going through a natural emotion. I don't want to relinquish any aspect of my son's care to someone else. He needs me. And whilst I am able to, I will provide this to him.
On an ending note, I don't want to be seen as a martyr here. The rise of the 'keyboard warrior' and their attack on anything they disagree with has made me want to back myself up. I am not writing this post to condemn those who have sourced outside help to care for their child or adult's personal care, it is me wanting to broach the subject and to show that it is fairly common to have a wobble about it. There is help out there if it is too hard for someone to overcome. I consider myself lucky that I am able to deal with it myself.
