It has bothered me for some time about the effect J and his autism has on my middle son O (as yet my baby son is too young to understand).
I have asked about support groups for siblings and have been told that there is indeed a group run by the local disability team but it has criteria set out that means O cannot attend it until he is at least seven years old. I do not know if there is a waiting list for this group either, so it may not even be plain sailing to access this once he turns seven.
To summise this group would be to say it is open to all siblings of special needs children (with mental disabilities ) and they meet up every fortnight/four weekly and socialise amongst themselves, talking to staff, swapping stories, gaining support and understanding, and not feeling isolated and embarrassed because of their sibling.
O for some time has shown awareness of J and his special needs. It has manifested with him using the excuses "mummy I have a different brain that is why I did X,Y or Z".
A few months ago I felt he was ready for 'the chat' (and not the usual puberty one that we all have to face at some point). I explained about autism in its simplest form and used J and his mannerisms and behaviours as the guide and reference for him.
It worked and O went around telling people "my brother has autism that is why he does'nt talk".
But how to tackle the emotional issues O must be feeling when he has J laughing at him when he is crying? It is a cruel thing to have someone laugh at your misery, but I cannot let it 'go' because of the autism. O needs to see that J is not being given special treatment for bad behaviours, but then again J cannot be punished in the usual sense and does not understand language in anymore than a basic command.
I have been loaned a rather fab book however and must say it is almost written for us.
It is called 'My brother with autism' and is written by Louise Gorrod.
I have read it to O and nearly every page related to our home life with J. Locks on the doors, ignoring you, screaming in public, people staring and tutting, lack of empathy when upset (laughing at you) and his need for space and quiet for certain noises.
This book had bridged a gap between my little chat and the long wait to join a group for siblings.
O will (and in time baby W will also) need to be guided further through the ups and downs of life with a mentally disabled sibling and I really do hope this group is worth the wait. I tend to try to not put all my hopes into it as with all the cuts being levied by councils and the governement it may not have funding at the very time we become eligible to attend.
I realise when O moves up through school, other children will become little bullies and taunt him. It seems almost inevitable it will happen. For every wonderfully raised and polite child there is another who has parent/s who swear openly, put down their children, laugh at people with disabilities etcetera and foist upon their offspring this disregard for others.
An example occured only today at home time in Os school playground.
A boy of Os age was being walked out by his father (I presume) and the man said the following to him after the boy accidently walked into a woman - "oi dickhead, move out the way you knob, stupid little sh*t ".
If parents are not willing to raise their children with a sense of decency and kindness then what hope does that child have for the future? They (possibly) will become bullies themselves and use similar language to taunt others, and all before they reach secondary education.
I, like most other parents of special needs children have so many fears of the future, but this should not be one of them.
I have a disclaimer for those that think the word 'bully' is a label that should'nt be used. I refer to the following -
'Bullying consists of three basic types of abuse – emotional, verbal and physical. It typically involves subtle methods of coercion such as psychological manipulation. Bullying can be defined in many different ways. Although the UK currently has no legal definition of bullying.
Bullying can occur in any context in which human beings interact with each other. This includes school, church, family, the workplace, home and neighbourhoods. It is even a common push factor in migration. Bullying can exist between social groups, social classes and even between countries (see Jingoism). In fact on an international scale, perceived or real imbalances of power between nations, in both economic systems and in treaty systems, are often cited as some of the primary causes of both World War I and World War II. [6] [7] Put simply, historically and from this perspective, certain international 'bullying' between nations is seen as having resulted in at least two very major and costly international wars.'
